Dear (fat) Bride,

Why does dress shopping have to be so scary?

I AM TERRIFIED. As previously mentioned, I am getting married. This is quickly approaching, like in 3 months. I haven't tried on even 1 wedding dress. The crippling anxiety and shame I feel about my body and the thought of going to a bridal store and have another person help me sends me over the edge.

I know, I know, we are bad bitches, and we are going to take the bull by the horns and lose weight. Right now, unfortunately, there's only so much weight that's going to come off in 3 months.

Did you watch Gossip Girl? The white party episode is what I have thought of for the last 15 years. (If you've never watched GG, stop now and go binge.) I have this beautiful, dreamy idea of what I want to look like on my wedding day, and I just can't seem to pull my shit together enough to make it happen. Why? This is supposed to be the most stressful magical time in a lady's life, right?

I think my fear comes from high school. I hadn't really been picked on or talked mean to, but I didn't sit at the "cool" kid's table. I had a wide variety of friends and thought I was good, in general, making my way through high school unscathed. My junior prom, I went with my high school sweetie. My mom spent hours on my hair, my dress was insanely beautiful. I had one of the best nights of my life, honestly. So. much. fun. A few weeks later, sitting in Algebra, we received prom books. This had pictures of all students with their dates. There was a group of guys sitting in front of me and I could hear them talking about people. I tried to ignore but couldn't help but listen. Then the kid at the very front said, "that's the fattest princess I have ever seen." Another kid looked at him and said something along the lines of, "dude she's sitting right there." Instant heartbreak. Instantly drained me of any confidence that I had. IT took every thing I had not to cry. I repeated to myself, "do not cry in front of them." Over and over but that moment has stayed with me for almost 20 years. I think of him saying this often and even as I sit here to type this, I'm getting teary eyed. My prom night, I felt more beautiful than I ever had in my life, and they ruined that for me. If those stupid boys think this about me, then that means every other person in the world must see me that way too. Wrong.

That thought is so wrong. I wish I didn't allow someone who is honestly a NOBODY have such a big impact on my life. It is not okay. Keep your stupid, heartless comments to yourself. Your words carry such a heavy meaning, use them wisely. Instead of feeling so gross about finding the dress I will marry my love of my life in, I will say this, you're a fucking goddess. YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED!!! Your son is giving you away and you're changing your name. Stop allowing the weight (literally) make you feel anything other than the queen you are. There's a man here, that kills spiders for you. You deserve to feel all the feels and for once, just let yourself feel pure happiness. Girl, put on your crown and fucking smile.