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Dear (fat) Abby,

I can't count how many times I've introduced myself and I get the reference to dear ol' Abby and her writing column. Unfortunately, for me, I never looked anything like her. I'm not sure how fitting to introduce my journey with her in mind but here goes.

I am beginning a weight loss journey, AGAIN. So many failed attempts, so many tears shed, so many mental fucking breakdowns. Why do I continue this monotonous routine of lose weight, gain weight, gain a fuck ton of weight, breakdown break- break down, lose a few pounds. Repeat. Over and over again. A few years back I was successful on the Keto diet. I had lost 82 pounds in roughly a year and never felt better. I always wondered what the hell people meant when they said they woke up and felt lean and they could think more clearly. On Keto, I found out, I knew what they knew, and it was amazing!

I have always been a thick queen and I was so excited to be at a point in my life I could buckle down and do the damn thing. One thing that motivated me was being a single mother, recently single, and excited for the new path life was taking me on. Scary but thrilling. My new body was getting me more attention than I had ever seen, and it was oh so magical. Fast forward a year or so living my best life, I met my now soon to be husband on none other than a dating app. Because you can't meet anyone in real life anymore. We done the long-distance thing for a year and some months, this was great for a bit, and I was still able to maintain my weight loss. Then, August of 2020, he asked me to move in with him. This was exactly what I wanted. To know a love full of happiness, safety,security,uplifting, etc....this move would come to be my downfall.

Never leaving my hometown before, I was terrified and thought of all the gruesome things that were going to happen within 30 seconds of closing my apartment door for the last time. Much to my chagrin, I was safe. I was safe and felt safe with my partner for what seemed like the first time in my life. There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't remind me of how loved and appreciated I am. Slowly, I started gaining some pounds. At first, I was like, "no big deal, its only 10 pounds. I will fast for 24 hours and get back on the Keto bandwagon." Repeat the same for 20 pounds, 50 pounds, and here we are having gained back all 82 pounds plus a few more for good measure. Hopping back on the weight loss wagon never happened. But still, I am reminded every day of how loved and appreciated I am so why even bother losing weight?!?

I'll answer my own questionable thought. Bitch, because you are worth it. You are worth more than the number on the scale (how cliche?), you are worth more than the negative thoughts you produce, you are worth more than sitting in the house while everyone goes swimming because you are embarrassed of the body you carry, you are worth more than being scared to make new friends because you are so self-conscious of everything about yourself, you are worth more than crying alone in the closet because your size 14 jeans no longer fit, you are worth more to live a long life for your kids, you are worth more, girl, you are worth more.

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Hey girl, thank you for stopping in. Have the best fricking day! 

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